In the space of the past four months, I have managed to change a part of me that I have been prone to be for 27 years... that's pretty amazing, surely?
You see, for as long as I can remember, I have always been a night owl... with the exception of when I was a kid and my dad used to put us all to bed at 6pm as we lived in a college at the time, and he had lessons he had to teach at 7pm... but other than that, I have been a person that seems to come alive at night. I have always stayed up, been productive and sociable and just generally wired from about 7pm onwards, leaving room to only sleep once the time hit morning.
As great as this has been, it has had it's significant drawbacks in the sense that waking up again the following day would always be a problem. Every job I have ever had, every morning commitment I have ever made, has always led to me being late... I had about three different alarms that went off at different times, a watch that was at least ten minutes fast and still I could not trick my mind to get up in time. A long time ago, I had resigned myself to the fact that early morning was just not the time for me...
Then, four months ago, I started to save money and, with that plan, my small insignificant and pathetic excuse for a social life, disintegrated into non existent as I chose to stay in, in contribution to said saving of money. All that being said, I found myself coming home at around 7pm, having something to eat, looking around my room, seeing my bed, and thinking... well, there's nothing else to do, I might as well just go to sleep now.
And so, in these recent months, I have been making a habit to go sleep no later than 8pm every evening... It started as a way of ensuring that I get up early for work in the morning, all the while promising myself that I will be nice and sociable on a Friday and Saturday evening, when the early morning routine was not as important. However, (and I can't decide whether I am ashamed to say this next thing, or whether I am holding on to the fact with pride), lately I have been finding myself on a Friday night, when others are preparing to go out and dolling themselves up for a night on the town, looking around my room, glancing at my bed, then at the clock, and thinking... might as well...
All that being said, the upside has been that I have been waking up ridiculously early each morning. Gone are the days where I would need to lay my clothes out the night before, pack my bag and make sure that any food I need are pre-made, all designed for the inevitable late emerging from my duvet the following morning and following rush out of the door to ensure that I don't get fired for my constant lateness. Instead, I have been finding myself waking up at around 5:30am, a whole hour before my alarm goes off, and within that hour, I have found myself doing productive things.
Yes, ladies and gents, I have become a morning person... to the extent that, two weeks ago, I had managed to publish and advertise my book (have I mentioned I've written a book?) all before 6am.
How ridiculous is that? Who does that? I was almost ashamed at how practically geriatric I have become. In bed by half 7... usually before The-5-Year-Old has even put on her pyjamas. And then not just getting up early, but actually doing worthwhile and productive things at that hour! My every being is protesting against it... except for the tiny part of me that rather enjoys the 12 hour sleep... which, let's face it, is considerably less when you take into consideration the sheer amount of times I wake up shouting (and this is a true story from a couple of nights ago) "My grandparents would never approve of that." ... Don't ask... I can't remember what that was about, all I know is that it was another nightmare that had woken me up and, whatever it was about, my grandparents would not have been happy about it happening.
Now that the need for me to save is no longer as important (I am no longer going to America, anymore), you would thing that perhaps I might start to socialise more... and I have been considering this, however there have been a few invitations for things during the evenings that have been starting at 7pm and I have found myself laughing at, exclaiming: You want to meet at 7pm? What planet are you on? We're not teenagers anymore.
....
Yeah, I may need to work on that... I kinda like my early nights... and I've been doing this cross stitch lately as well as finding my old knitting needles... I've been meaning to finish that cardigan for months now...
Oh goodness me, is that the time? 7:30am on a Sunday morning? I really should be getting going, that mobility scooter isn't going to ride itself to the shops... and I did just collect those coupons for Asda...
Peace out my lovelies
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Friday, 17 May 2013
Breaking news! Well, it is for me... at the most, you might find it mildly interesting... you're welcome.
It's been brought to my attention recently, that I am the teensiest hard on myself... I don't know why people insist on telling me this, but for some reason, especially in the past couple of weeks, this seems to be the theme of people's thoughts when discussing me.
I'm not saying that this is something that people do all the time; discuss me. More like, I've had maybe more than two people say it to me in as many weeks and so it has been mentioned enough times for me to actually process it.
I have no idea what they are talking about personally. I mean, I feel it is perfectly normal for a person to expect that they can write and publish a book, save £6k in 6 weeks and tie up loose ends in the country they live in, so that they can disappear abroad for 6 months, all the while undergoing 12 weeks of therapy that intends to delve into their deepest darkest phobias and insecurities, bring them all to the surface and then pick them apart, until there is nothing left but a carcass of feelings and emotions within an empty shell of a human being... however, after being told this for long enough, I have come to realise that it probably is a good idea for me to give up at least one of these things... apparently, if I don't, then there's a chance that I might self combust and that just isn't pleasant for The-Family I live with to tidy up.
So I have looked into the whole 'giving up something' area realistically and, given that I have finally started these therapy sessions after being on the waiting list for 2 years (people outside the UK, yes the NHS system is usually awesome in the sense that, should I get knocked down by a bus next week and miraculously survive this, I won't end up with bills that will permanently bankrupt me for the remainder of my physically altered life; but in the context of actually getting treatment that isn't qualified as life-threatening, the NHS does have it's long drawn out drawbacks), I decided that I was not prepared to stop these. I have already done the whole publishing of my book... so I can't really cross that long term dream off my to-do list, as it is very much in the process of 'being done.'
This has left me with the heartbreakingly reality that I will have to give up the only other option... after 6 months of preparations and anticipation, I have had to put off my trip to America. Yes ladies and gents, I am no longer disappearing State side in July, instead I will be staying in my little town of London and work on the whole 'having money and enjoying it' thing.
As much as I really didn't want to make this decision in the long run, and fought against it with every fibre of my being, since I have said the words out loud and withdrawn my sabbatical application at work, I have found myself surprisingly elated... I mean, it sucks. I really wanted (and in some sense, needed) this chance to go away, but at the same time, the whole thing was becoming this amazing stressor on my life as the time approached and the things that needed to be done, hadn't been. In fact, for the past few weeks, it had become this massive strain on my life and, any time anyone asked me about it, I tended to simply groan and plead them not to remind me of it.
So, last week, I decided that I would put a pin in that little dream for a while. I'm not saying no completely, but rather, I'm just putting it on hold until I'm in a better place to actually do it and enjoy it. As such, I'm afraid to say, a lot of what I will be obsessing over now, will be to do with my book. That being said, I will endeavour to make this as entertaining as possible, because I'm generous like that...
Anywho, I bet you're all completely overwhelmed and dragging your jaws on the floor over the fact that this is the 3rd post I've uploaded in the week! I know, right? It's almost as if we've fallen back into time about two years...
Until another time,
Peace out my lovelies.
I'm not saying that this is something that people do all the time; discuss me. More like, I've had maybe more than two people say it to me in as many weeks and so it has been mentioned enough times for me to actually process it.
I have no idea what they are talking about personally. I mean, I feel it is perfectly normal for a person to expect that they can write and publish a book, save £6k in 6 weeks and tie up loose ends in the country they live in, so that they can disappear abroad for 6 months, all the while undergoing 12 weeks of therapy that intends to delve into their deepest darkest phobias and insecurities, bring them all to the surface and then pick them apart, until there is nothing left but a carcass of feelings and emotions within an empty shell of a human being... however, after being told this for long enough, I have come to realise that it probably is a good idea for me to give up at least one of these things... apparently, if I don't, then there's a chance that I might self combust and that just isn't pleasant for The-Family I live with to tidy up.
So I have looked into the whole 'giving up something' area realistically and, given that I have finally started these therapy sessions after being on the waiting list for 2 years (people outside the UK, yes the NHS system is usually awesome in the sense that, should I get knocked down by a bus next week and miraculously survive this, I won't end up with bills that will permanently bankrupt me for the remainder of my physically altered life; but in the context of actually getting treatment that isn't qualified as life-threatening, the NHS does have it's long drawn out drawbacks), I decided that I was not prepared to stop these. I have already done the whole publishing of my book... so I can't really cross that long term dream off my to-do list, as it is very much in the process of 'being done.'
This has left me with the heartbreakingly reality that I will have to give up the only other option... after 6 months of preparations and anticipation, I have had to put off my trip to America. Yes ladies and gents, I am no longer disappearing State side in July, instead I will be staying in my little town of London and work on the whole 'having money and enjoying it' thing.
As much as I really didn't want to make this decision in the long run, and fought against it with every fibre of my being, since I have said the words out loud and withdrawn my sabbatical application at work, I have found myself surprisingly elated... I mean, it sucks. I really wanted (and in some sense, needed) this chance to go away, but at the same time, the whole thing was becoming this amazing stressor on my life as the time approached and the things that needed to be done, hadn't been. In fact, for the past few weeks, it had become this massive strain on my life and, any time anyone asked me about it, I tended to simply groan and plead them not to remind me of it.
So, last week, I decided that I would put a pin in that little dream for a while. I'm not saying no completely, but rather, I'm just putting it on hold until I'm in a better place to actually do it and enjoy it. As such, I'm afraid to say, a lot of what I will be obsessing over now, will be to do with my book. That being said, I will endeavour to make this as entertaining as possible, because I'm generous like that...
Anywho, I bet you're all completely overwhelmed and dragging your jaws on the floor over the fact that this is the 3rd post I've uploaded in the week! I know, right? It's almost as if we've fallen back into time about two years...
Until another time,
Peace out my lovelies.
Why do I tend to do all my thinking the moment I need to sleep?
Anywho, I'm compensating with what the 'normal' people tend to do in these situations, by drinking hot chocolate and trying to de-stimulate my brain... I am currently in a state of de-tox in terms of alcohol, so I can't fall back on that to knock me out alas.
Ladies and gents, I've drunk my hot chocolate, I've watched silly (yet amazing) comedy, in the form of Absolutely Fabulous, all evening, and I found my eyes beginning to droop...
Alas this wasn't to last as, as soon as my head hit the pillow, my brain, which hadn't been stupified as it usually is, decided that this was the perfect time to do an all out PR brainstorming session on how to publicise my new book...
I know, I know. I can pretty much hear you all screaming at me over the fault in this particular situation...
... It's true, 'Brainstorming' is no longer considered a PC term for bringing out ideas in one session, as it runs the risk of offending those with epilepsy (true story, I actually had to sit through a seminar that spent 30 minutes covering this particular subject), the correct term is something like 'Idea fishing' or 'Thought catching' or something like that...
That being said, I have decided to risk the possible offense I will cause the people attending my *shock, gasp, I'm going to say it again* 'Brainstorming' session, as (as mentioned earlier) at the moment, it consists only of myself, my air conditioning unit and my stuffed Eeyore, all of which I've had testing for epilepsy and all of which have come back negative as well as scoring 'no offense taken' when I handed out the questionnaire on whether or not they would be offended if I went ahead and used that phrase... You're all rolling your eyes right now and thinking that this is a ridiculous tangent I've just gone on, but I ask you, is it? Or am I actually the kind of person who would write up a questionnaire for my stuffed toy and other such inanimate objects in my room, on the off chance that I end up with a HR complaint in my little publicist company? I'll leave you to answer that question.
Anywho... I've written a book... yes, it is all I can talk about.
Here's the link to where I talk about how I wrote the book a lot and milk it for all it's worth.
Here's the link to the book, which is called Utopia and is written by me... Lisa J Harries. (If you are purchasing this outside of the UK, you may need to access the version of this on your country's local Amazon site)
Now, I've gone down the road of self-publication in terms of getting my book out there. I've done this for three very valid reasons:
1. In this day and age, before you get seen my a publisher, you need to have an agent. Each agency receives about 100 - 300 manuscripts a day and take only a handful of new authors a year. It requires some serious amount of selling yourself in an almost prostitutionly manner which involves a lot more effort and self-worth than I am currently capable of.
2. If you've found yourself an agent and publisher who accept you and want to turn your baby into an actual book, you end up with about 15-20% of the royalties of each book, if that.
3. I'm just about pro-active enough to write a book but too lazy to actually do anything in reason 1.
So, I decided to do the whole self-publication thing, which led to seeing my beautiful little scrumptious baby of a book on the Amazon book shelf for anyone to digitally buy. It really is amazing to see... Sometimes, when I find myself with nothing to do, I just open up the page where my book is being sold and gaze at it lovingly... I've never seen a more good looking announcement of the impending apocalypse in my life.
All this being said, I have fallen upon a few little snags by choosing the do-it-yourself option...
1. All the editing in the world still results in the sodding thing being published with mistakes dotted around the book like some infested little disease ridden plague that physically offends and repulses me, each time I come across one.
2. I do not have the luxury of having some massive firm publicising my book on billboards around London and on the side of buses and instead must make do with my own little version of advertising...
Now due to this complete lack of professional advertising, this has been the thing that my mind has decided to focus on when it should be letting me sleep and is the thing that is causing me to sit at my computer writing on my blog in the vain hope that by writing down my thoughts, it will give my brain some form of relief and let it rest...
The problem lies, however, in that I am not the best person to deal with compliments/love/nice feelings/seeking attention really... It's not that I don't like all those things, I do. It's more that when those things are directed towards me, I tend to either crawl into the fetal position or throw up on the persons shoes.
After a long period of thinking, I have decided that therefore, my advertising campaign shall be the "What the hell is that about?" campaign. The 'Brainstorming' (I am so hardcore) for this has been as follows:
1. Walking around the streets of London with a few volunteers, all wearing sandwich boards that say 'The end of the world is nigh... ish... possibly... I don't know.' Finding street corners and giving speeches that hold no definitive answers about how that I'm sure there might be a possibility that somewhere down the line the world might decide to just give up possibly, in a way that could happen by the sun overheating or loads of ice melting or the air becoming toxic or monkeys taking over or something... possibly... I'm looking into it.
And then of course, when people come up and want to hear more about the breaking news we are imparting on them all, there people will be with flyers that just has the link to my book on it. (Seriously, if people want to go ahead and do that without me, I'm totally fine with that).
2. I make T Shirts... in true Lgalaviz fashion... except I will actually make them. If people are prepared to wear them, I'm even pretty certain I will give away the first 20 T shirts that people want... as soon as I get around to making them. All of them will have slightly bizarre yet completely open statements on the front that will cause the reader to go 'What the hell is that about?' At which point, the wearer will turn around and point to back of the shirt, where the link and image of my book will be available... The statements I have come up with so far are:
I've read it, have you?
Hands up if you know what Danel is.
(You might need to have read the book to get that one)
I bought a book that saved the world... and it wasn't even the bible. What have you done?
Before I read Utopia, I was ugly.
Utopia saved my marriage.
And so on and so forth... you know, I'm just spit balling here... feel free to leave your own suggestions.
And that is all my brain has managed to think up... I briefly considered coming up with more advertising ideas to flesh out the blog some more, but then I figured that would pretty much defeat the object of the whole 'trying to get to sleep' prospect anyway...
Many thanks to everyone who has been so supportive so far of my book. I've been so touched and completely nauseated (in the most complimented and loving way) by it all. So much so, that should you know you are close to bumping into me at any time, I suggest you wear shoes you aren't too fond of.
A little shout out to Roxie who, come rain or shine, no matter how erratic I am being on this blog, always has something to say that usually picks me up... your comments are always welcome, thank you for your support! Also to Ayra who even went as far as devoting a whole blog post to my book, you are awesome and I was overwhelmed and touched by your "every little help" (I know that doesn't technically make sense, but let's pretend it did).
Thank you to everyone who has helped, you are all wonderful and further publicising would be amazeballs covered in honey (or as The-Family like to call it, 'Bee-Wee') soaked in scrumptious stuff that my brain can't think of because I think I've actually managed to knacker it out and it finally wants to go to sleep... we'll see.
Overall, just thanks, everyone. You've made a simple little gal from London, very happy.
Peace out my lovelies.
Monday, 13 May 2013
I have officially joined the realms of the published author
I have earnt myself a new nickname in the house I live, especially with the 11-Year-Old who has officially dubbed me as 'The-Famous-Author.' He has also stated that he wants me to sign as many pieces of paper as possible, so that he can then go ahead and sell them on in a couple of years time, which is when he predicts I will be officially as big and famous as JK Rowling.
His reasons for all of this? ... Well, after many many months of saying I will do it and then putting it off to watch TV or fall asleep, I have officially published my book: Utopia.
Yes ladies and gents, you are now in contact with non other than an actual bona fide published author who has her own little space on Amazon, ready for anyone worldwide to buy her book. It is rather grand and kinda awesome in a really terrifying kind of way.
You see, this little novel is my baby right at the centre of something that has been my dream ever since I was 10 years old and used to write stories about my class, a new chapter each week that my teacher would then let me read out to the class at the end of the day. We would go on adventures on pirate ships and to distant lands... it was awesome.
From as young as I can remember, I have been saying that I want to be an author. From the moment that I picked up a Famous Five book and became hooked on their stories, I longed to be able to write of my own fictional places and create characters that would never have existed if I hadn't written them down.
Along the way however, when I reached the wonderful phase of life that is teenage-land, a bit of the dream disappeared from me... English was always my favourite subject and I never tired of being able to write, but at the same time, life got in the way and the thought of writing seemed to be childish for a while. Along with this thought, I lost some of my confidence in the words that I wrote. I assumed I would never be good enough to write as my favourite authors, I would never be able to write a scene as beautiful as the ones I filled my head with in the books I read every night before I went to sleep. I let my dream slide, and I stopped writing.
In amongst all of this, I still found myself completely enthralled by the magic of story telling. I watched about 4 movies a week and had at least one book on the go at all times. Every so often, I would come across a book or a film that would be so beautiful and touch my heart in such a way, I would feel a physical ache right in the very core of me; a longing to be able to transform my imagination into words as beautifully as what I had just experienced.
When I hit about 18, I was asked to write a short sketch for the church I was going to at the time. I was apprehensive, I didn't think I would be able to do it. Thankfully however, the people asking me wouldn't take no for an answer and for the first time in 7 years, I wrote a story... or rather a play. It was ridiculous, it was about an X Factor competition with biblical characters as the judges. It was highly non-sensical, with cheap gags and so on, but writing it was the most fun I had had in a long time. I found that it stirred something in my heart that had been dormant for a while. I remembered what it felt like to write fiction again and with that memory came the childlike excitement I had had all those years ago. My younger self woke up from the comatose stupour I had put her in and did a little jig.
Over the years, I have written sketches, plays, short stories and, when I hit 22 and was first overwhelmed with the completely devastating pain that was depression, I tried my hand at a novel. It took me 2 years to write and was called Serenity. Even though it came from a time in my life that was quite dark, it surprisingly wasn't that depressing. It was the best therapy I had ever given myself. Every time I felt low and had no answers to what the real world had to throw at me, I had this completely beautiful fantasy world that I had created to escape to. When people didn't react in a way that made sense to me and only seemed to aggrevate the bad feelings I had, I had characters that did exactly as I told them to. It was the most freeing thing I had ever felt.
Again, last year, out of a nightmare that scared the living crap out of me, I found myself with a need to write a novel. So I wrote, I took the crappiest lemons that life has handed me, my without-fail, regular-like-clockwork, every-night recurrent nightmares, and I made lemonade.
And now I have taken this and stepped out into a world whereby I am allowing my dream to be realised. 27 years of dreaming and hoping all came to a head last Wednesday, as I opened up Amazon and found my book available to buy.
I went to Harry Potter Studio Tours last year with the wonderful One-And-Only-Daniela and found the below quote from JK Rowling written on the wall.
His reasons for all of this? ... Well, after many many months of saying I will do it and then putting it off to watch TV or fall asleep, I have officially published my book: Utopia.
Yes ladies and gents, you are now in contact with non other than an actual bona fide published author who has her own little space on Amazon, ready for anyone worldwide to buy her book. It is rather grand and kinda awesome in a really terrifying kind of way.
You see, this little novel is my baby right at the centre of something that has been my dream ever since I was 10 years old and used to write stories about my class, a new chapter each week that my teacher would then let me read out to the class at the end of the day. We would go on adventures on pirate ships and to distant lands... it was awesome.
From as young as I can remember, I have been saying that I want to be an author. From the moment that I picked up a Famous Five book and became hooked on their stories, I longed to be able to write of my own fictional places and create characters that would never have existed if I hadn't written them down.
Along the way however, when I reached the wonderful phase of life that is teenage-land, a bit of the dream disappeared from me... English was always my favourite subject and I never tired of being able to write, but at the same time, life got in the way and the thought of writing seemed to be childish for a while. Along with this thought, I lost some of my confidence in the words that I wrote. I assumed I would never be good enough to write as my favourite authors, I would never be able to write a scene as beautiful as the ones I filled my head with in the books I read every night before I went to sleep. I let my dream slide, and I stopped writing.
In amongst all of this, I still found myself completely enthralled by the magic of story telling. I watched about 4 movies a week and had at least one book on the go at all times. Every so often, I would come across a book or a film that would be so beautiful and touch my heart in such a way, I would feel a physical ache right in the very core of me; a longing to be able to transform my imagination into words as beautifully as what I had just experienced.
When I hit about 18, I was asked to write a short sketch for the church I was going to at the time. I was apprehensive, I didn't think I would be able to do it. Thankfully however, the people asking me wouldn't take no for an answer and for the first time in 7 years, I wrote a story... or rather a play. It was ridiculous, it was about an X Factor competition with biblical characters as the judges. It was highly non-sensical, with cheap gags and so on, but writing it was the most fun I had had in a long time. I found that it stirred something in my heart that had been dormant for a while. I remembered what it felt like to write fiction again and with that memory came the childlike excitement I had had all those years ago. My younger self woke up from the comatose stupour I had put her in and did a little jig.
Over the years, I have written sketches, plays, short stories and, when I hit 22 and was first overwhelmed with the completely devastating pain that was depression, I tried my hand at a novel. It took me 2 years to write and was called Serenity. Even though it came from a time in my life that was quite dark, it surprisingly wasn't that depressing. It was the best therapy I had ever given myself. Every time I felt low and had no answers to what the real world had to throw at me, I had this completely beautiful fantasy world that I had created to escape to. When people didn't react in a way that made sense to me and only seemed to aggrevate the bad feelings I had, I had characters that did exactly as I told them to. It was the most freeing thing I had ever felt.
Again, last year, out of a nightmare that scared the living crap out of me, I found myself with a need to write a novel. So I wrote, I took the crappiest lemons that life has handed me, my without-fail, regular-like-clockwork, every-night recurrent nightmares, and I made lemonade.
And now I have taken this and stepped out into a world whereby I am allowing my dream to be realised. 27 years of dreaming and hoping all came to a head last Wednesday, as I opened up Amazon and found my book available to buy.
I went to Harry Potter Studio Tours last year with the wonderful One-And-Only-Daniela and found the below quote from JK Rowling written on the wall.
"No story lives unless someone wants to listen."
It sums it up really. I have this story that I want to tell and, at the moment, the only place it exists is in my head. My dream is that I am able to put it into your head too. The love that I have for my characters; the frustration and anger and happiness and joy and tears that I have given them all, I want you guys to feel too.
There is this story I've written and it is from the very heart of me. I was wondering... erm... if you wouldn't mind... ahem... possibly... having a go at giving it a read?
Below is the link to the Amazon.co.uk site. It is available worldwide but it will require you accessing the book from your country's own equivalent Amazon site if you are not from the UK. It's only available electronically at the moment. If you don't have a kindle however, this is fine, neither do I. All you have to do is download the kindle app onto your smartphone/tablet of choice which is completely free of charge, and then after you buy it, the next time you open the app, there it will be, all shiny and new.
And now for one last thing. Since going over this book with all my wonderful editing skills time and time again, since purchasing my own copy, I have noted some very annoying mistakes spotted around the book... it really sucks.
Anywho... I am choosing to use this as an awesome selling point as, if you buy this first edition, with all the mistakes in, then, when I am (as The-11-Year-Old is convinced I will be) at the same status as JK Rowling, you can then sell this book on for the millions it will no doubtedly be worth and buy an island or a really expensive carpet or whatever it is that the kids are buying these days. You're welcome.
Oh, and please, please, please advertise the hell out of this book for me... even if you hated it, it's fine. Just tell everyone that you loved it. You can lie. I've looked into it and I'm like 98% certain there will be no long term repercussions. Feel free to make up your own lies too... go nuts... hell, tell everyone that by buying the book they will be contributing to sending out a signal to lasers in the sky, targeted on the meteor that is about to hit Earth and without a million of these signals, the lasers won't hit the meteor and the world will end. Thus meaning, that by buying the book, they are contributing to the saving of all mankind (That one might actually be true... maybe).
Or you know, whatever lie you feel called to use... I'll leave that completely up to you.
Thanks to all who have already bought it and to those who are about to after reading this. Feel free to let me know what you think, even if you hated it... that's fine.
Love you all hugely and a little bit inappropriately.
Peace out my lovelies.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Somewhere between sand and clouds.
I haven't been around. I know. Truth is, I've not really been myself lately. I've been tackling with emotions that have been presenting themselves in new and exciting ways that have, quite simply, blind sighted me.
I'm currently living in a state of what is either pure concentrated faith and unfathomable optimism or complete and utter denial. I never realised just how thin a line there is between the two, until recently.
You see, at the end of June, I am leaving my job for a 6 month period of unpaid leave. My employers have approved it, my
job post has gone out for applications and people are soon to be lined up for interviews scheduled for May. Everything is going ahead with the one plan in mind, I am going to America.
There's just one little insignificant catch... I have no money. I also haven't the frame of mind to raise said money.
I should have factored into my plans my unquestionable ability to personally destruct any good thing I have going for me. Anything that I plan for myself in a purely selfish and self-fulfilling way, I am so good at dreaming of in a "my head is always in the clouds" sense but the moment I even think there's a possibility of me achieving said dream, my head comes plummeting back down to earth and straight into a hole in the sand.
I've done it every time. For example:
1. My two finished books with no effort of publishing or letting anyone of importance see.
2. Leaving my blog by the wayside the moment I start to develop a loyal following.
3. So many friendships that I have given up making the effort for in favour of spending some quality time lying in my bed and being alone.
4. The fact that I won't even talk to a man when there is a possibility of romantic intentions.
All of this I do on a daily basis. Almost as if the possibility of rejection or disappointment will be that little bit less painful if I am the one who instigated it.
Don't get me wrong, occasionally I get pockets of being the organisational queen. In these moments, I put together packages of my book for agents, go on a splurge of writing in my blog every day for a whole week, even apply for 6 month unpaid leave at work and move into a more financially viable house with a supporting and loving family who brighten my mood without them even realising it. I even apply for the university I want to go to in America. But then a hurdle will hit me in the form of money or a larger demand of my time and effort and self... and suddenly I'm exhausted, fall into a pit of self-deprivation and become my worst critic, chastising my plans and even the way I walk around feeling sorry for myself.
I urge myself to be someone different. Someone who can organise and save and take stress with a wave of her hand and a smile on her face. I tell myself that if I'm more like that person, I'll get places. If I stop being ruled by my emotions and my tendency to criticise every single aspect of my life, I would be a better person. Doors will open and I will be free to be happy and take risks and achieve the desires of my heart and the dreams rooted deep in the very soul of me.
...
And then I realise I'm not that person. I'm trying to become some fantastical person most people aspire to be but few actually are. I realise this and suddenly the quiet peaceful sanctuary of my attic room and the freeing nature of my creative writing world seem like the only dreams I need. The money I promised myself I would save is spent on food and wine and materialistic things that, in that moment, become my closest friend.
I soak in the immediate comfort they bring me and put my dreams back on the clouds, far away from where I am, so that they can't hurt me by never coming true. I think... Maybe I can fulfil that dream another time, maybe it'll be better when my mind is more settled and my body is less panicked. And I smile to myself and agree to face the impending inevitability tomorrow. Tonight, I'm blissfully ignorant.
Of course, that moment of bliss never lasts, and soon life is there, right in front of me, demanding all of me.
...
And that's where I am. Unsure of what will happen. Unsure of where I will be in a few short months. Unsure of even what I hope to accomplish by writing this down, only that I needed to and I have.
Peace out my lovelies.
I'm currently living in a state of what is either pure concentrated faith and unfathomable optimism or complete and utter denial. I never realised just how thin a line there is between the two, until recently.
You see, at the end of June, I am leaving my job for a 6 month period of unpaid leave. My employers have approved it, my
job post has gone out for applications and people are soon to be lined up for interviews scheduled for May. Everything is going ahead with the one plan in mind, I am going to America.
There's just one little insignificant catch... I have no money. I also haven't the frame of mind to raise said money.
I should have factored into my plans my unquestionable ability to personally destruct any good thing I have going for me. Anything that I plan for myself in a purely selfish and self-fulfilling way, I am so good at dreaming of in a "my head is always in the clouds" sense but the moment I even think there's a possibility of me achieving said dream, my head comes plummeting back down to earth and straight into a hole in the sand.
I've done it every time. For example:
1. My two finished books with no effort of publishing or letting anyone of importance see.
2. Leaving my blog by the wayside the moment I start to develop a loyal following.
3. So many friendships that I have given up making the effort for in favour of spending some quality time lying in my bed and being alone.
4. The fact that I won't even talk to a man when there is a possibility of romantic intentions.
All of this I do on a daily basis. Almost as if the possibility of rejection or disappointment will be that little bit less painful if I am the one who instigated it.
Don't get me wrong, occasionally I get pockets of being the organisational queen. In these moments, I put together packages of my book for agents, go on a splurge of writing in my blog every day for a whole week, even apply for 6 month unpaid leave at work and move into a more financially viable house with a supporting and loving family who brighten my mood without them even realising it. I even apply for the university I want to go to in America. But then a hurdle will hit me in the form of money or a larger demand of my time and effort and self... and suddenly I'm exhausted, fall into a pit of self-deprivation and become my worst critic, chastising my plans and even the way I walk around feeling sorry for myself.
I urge myself to be someone different. Someone who can organise and save and take stress with a wave of her hand and a smile on her face. I tell myself that if I'm more like that person, I'll get places. If I stop being ruled by my emotions and my tendency to criticise every single aspect of my life, I would be a better person. Doors will open and I will be free to be happy and take risks and achieve the desires of my heart and the dreams rooted deep in the very soul of me.
...
And then I realise I'm not that person. I'm trying to become some fantastical person most people aspire to be but few actually are. I realise this and suddenly the quiet peaceful sanctuary of my attic room and the freeing nature of my creative writing world seem like the only dreams I need. The money I promised myself I would save is spent on food and wine and materialistic things that, in that moment, become my closest friend.
I soak in the immediate comfort they bring me and put my dreams back on the clouds, far away from where I am, so that they can't hurt me by never coming true. I think... Maybe I can fulfil that dream another time, maybe it'll be better when my mind is more settled and my body is less panicked. And I smile to myself and agree to face the impending inevitability tomorrow. Tonight, I'm blissfully ignorant.
Of course, that moment of bliss never lasts, and soon life is there, right in front of me, demanding all of me.
...
And that's where I am. Unsure of what will happen. Unsure of where I will be in a few short months. Unsure of even what I hope to accomplish by writing this down, only that I needed to and I have.
Peace out my lovelies.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Wild Horses.
Where have I been? I've been in writing heaven.. Or hell, I can't decide. Yet again I have had a dream that has inspired my writing once more. I really am worried that my subconscious will be sueing me for the rights to any books I write should I get them published. She's tricky that way.
Anywho, what I'm about to post is not in any way me giving up on the Utopia series as I have already written about five chapters of book two. But, as my brain is never happy with just over-achieving, but rather multi-tasking whilst I over achieve, it has been nagging me to at least write the prologue to this new dream inspired book.
On top of this, I am working full time, studying for my NVQ in business administration AND trying to organise a fund raiser for my trip to America... Yet somehow I still feel like I'm being lazy as well... I'm not too sure how this works, maybe I need to take something new on...
But anyway, I'm not sure when I'm going to write anymore about this book, I just needed to get the prologue down, otherwise my brain was ready to explode on me and that would have taken ages for The-Family I live with to clean.
I don't want to say much more about this book as of yet, except to say its more real life this time round rather than science fictiony.
Without further ado; I give you the prologue to my book "Wild Horses." Let me know what you think.
Prologue
Autumn peered through the small crack in the window blind. People filed in, one after the other, all carrying the same item. Her item. There were hundreds of people out there, she knew that the excited line of people went back for at least a mile. And they were all here to see her.
That was enough to set her over the edge, she shut the blind and immediately placed her head between her knees. Taking deep breaths, she tried desperately to stop the world from spinning around her.
"Sit down." Came Leah's familiar voice.
Autumn did as she was told and found a glass of Pepsi Max and a bar of Galaxy thrust in front of her.
"Take these and go to your comfort place." Leah said.
Autumn nodded and took both items readily. She crossed her legs on the chair, closed her eyes and took a sip and a bite. She refrained from the therapeutic ideation of a beach, it was too easy for her thoughts to stray, instead she picked her flat. She would give anything to be in her flat right now, away from the growing noise outside, somewhere she could just shut the door, crawl under her duvet and shut herself off from the world. She mentally shut the door to her flat and dragged the duvet to her beautiful sofa. There she lay watching reruns of That 70s Show and mouthing the words along with the characters.
She felt some of the stress ebb away. Her thoughts quietened and she allowed herself another portion of chocolate.
"Which episode of That 70s Show are you watching? Leah asked.
"Jackie and Hyde have just got together. No one else knows yet."
"Nice. Here you go."
Autumn opened her eyes to see an iPad in front of her. Season 4, Episode 1 all ready and waiting to be watched.
"You've got time." Leah said. "Watch it."
Autumn smiled at her PA. "What would I do without you?"
"Well, you'd still have your books, but I'm pretty certain you'd be a hermit by now."
Autumn accepted this to be pretty accurate and hit play on the tablet. The episode began and Leah backed away, leaving Autumn to it. Autumn settled into her chair and took another bite of chocolate. She was left undisturbed for the 20 minute episode.
As soon as she was finished and the end credits began to roll, Leah knocked on the door and popped her head into the room.
"It's time." She said.
Autumn nodded, all words escaping her. She slowly stood and walked on shaky legs out of the room and towards the shop floor.
"I think I'm going to throw up." Autumn said.
"You haven't thrown up for years." Leah answered. "Just 30 more seconds and you'll be there."
Autumn felt the waves of anxiety start to spin the room once more. "I don't think I'm going to make it."
Leah wrapped her arm around Autumn's waist, pushing her gently forward.
"Just one step after the other." She said. "Almost there."
As they reached the entrance to the floor, Autumn closed her eyes and held her breath. Stilling herself until she heard the words from the announcer outside.
"Ladies and Gents, the woman who never fails to make you laugh and cry simultaneously; I give you Autumn Blake!"
Leah pushed Autumn through the door at the sound of the people's cheers and Autumn opened her eyes, saw the crowd all looking at her expectantly and the switch was flipped. She smiled warmly at the growing cheers and waved at the people all screaming her name. Someone threw a pair of boxers at her and she caught them, laughing and holding them out for the audience to see.
"Alas, I don't think they're quite my size." She called out.
The crowd responded with laughter and cheers and a male voice called out.
"I made sure not to wash them after I wore them!"
Autumn laughed loudly and made sure to have as little contact as possible with the apparently dirty boxers, holding them between her forefinger and thumb.
"Wow. And I had hoped my fetish for dirty underwear would have been one of those secrets I'd have taken with me to the grave. Damn. How did you know?"
More laughter. Autumn laughed with them and glanced back at Leah who was ready with a ruler. Autumn placed them on the ruler and Leah left the room, the boxers held as far away from her as possible.
"Okay, well now that that's been taken care of." Autumn said. "Who would like me to sign some books?"
The roar that followed this question was deafening and Autumn rolled her eyes, motioning for the crowd to settle down as she made her way to the table. She reached for her book and opened it at the bookmarked page.
"I've been told that apparently people want me to read from it first." Autumn said. More cheers. "Lazy buggers." She said, once they had quietened down. "You could just read it yourselves, you know."
Laughter and applause. She smiled her winning smile and began the chapter. The room fell silent as she continued to read, her captive audience hanging on her every word. She shut them out and lost herself in her main protagonist. She loved this character above all characters she had written. She was balsy, sharp and everything that Autumn wished she could be. She was so lost in the book, she jumped when laughter erupted in response to her words. She looked up at the sea of faces.
"Sorry," she said. "I forgot you were all here. You gave me the shock of my life."
People cheered and she returned to her book, finishing the excerpt to a thunderous applause.
"I love you, Autumn!" Came a scream from the audience.
"Oh, so you're the one!" Autumn said back. "Nice to meet you. Okay, any questions?"
The rest of the hour sped by in a tirade of questions and compliments. Autumn accepted them all and answered excitedly. She loved this part of her job; talking to people about a world that, before she had out pen to paper, had never existed in their minds. She listened as people told her about the characters they identified with and the different characters they wished were real and married to. She soaked in it, knowing that this was the reason she continued to write; to be able to have moments like this. During that moment, she loved every person in that room, they were her people, each one an individual confirmation of why she gets out of bed each morning. In her dark days of self doubt and loathing, it was moments like this she drew on to give her hope. This large, ominous crowd who she was simultaneously in love with and terrified of.
Once the questions were drawn to a close, Autumn made a large gesture of stretching her fingers and grinned.
"Repetitive Strain Injury, here I come." She said, loudly. "Okay, who's first?"
People rushed forward and Autumn's cheeks began to burn from all the smiling she did. After a couple of hours of this, the smile began to fade a little, fatigue beginning to set in as well as some of the same panic she had experienced before. The crowd just didnt seem to ebb away. Once one load of people were filed out, another rush came in, demanding as much excitement and enthusiasm from her as their predecessors.
Leah was at her side then, once more showing how completely attuned she was to Autumn's feelings. She whispered in her ear.
"Break?" She asked.
Autumn looked at her with so much gratification that Leah instantly started laughing.
"You've worn her out!" She addressed the crowd. "Half an hour break and she'll be back."
There were groans amongst the crowd but at least no one threw anything nasty at her. Not that Autumn could think of anything worse than the used underwear from the morning.
Her break seemed to end all too quickly, she looked at her empty plate forlornly as the end credits from That 70s Show once more played on her iPad. The prospect of going back out there, again began to terrify Autumn.
"Just three more hours." Leah said. "You know you'll be fine when you get out there."
Autumn sighed but didn't answer. Instead she stood before she could convince herself otherwise and made her way back to the throng of people. Leah was right, of course. Once she was out there, food now in her belly and another episode of the only series that could relax her in her mind, she was back to operating at almost 100%. She joked with her readers and had her picture taken on their phones.
She was in full flow when he arrived at her table. Him, that beautiful, beautiful man who's features Autumn had always lusted over had matured and become even more prominent than the last time she had seen him. She heard him before she saw him though, her gaze was down as she finished signing the book of the person in front of him.
"You are a sight for sore eyes." He said.
The voice was so familiar, even though it too seemed to have matured. Her gaze shot up immediately and looked him square in his breath takingly stunning ice blue eyes.
"Elijah?" She said, in disbelief.
"Hey Autumn." He said.
A flood of memories rushed into Autumn's mind as she heard him say her name. Memories of melodramatic teenage feelings. He was everything she had ever wanted for most of her adolescent age yet she hadn't thought of him for so long. How had that happened? Who could forget that face?
"What are you doing here?" She asked.
Elijah laughed. "I was under the impression my favourite author was signing today. Turns out I was wrong but I figured I might as well get you to sign instead."
"Ah, the famous Elijah wit, it's been a while since I've heard that." Autumn replied, sliding back into their age old banter.
"Not as famous as yours, of course." He said. "Last I checked, BBC and Channel 4 didn't care enough to air what I have to say."
"Well, I'll make sure to send out a memo. Obviously that's a tragedy."
Elijah grinned once more. "I knew I could rely on you."
"Why the hell are you queuing up? All you had to do was get in touch with me, it would have saved you the trouble."
Elijah scrunched his face up at that. "Oh please woman," he said. "I carelessly ignore you for four years and then get in touch with you the moment you're rich and famous. You would have blocked me from your phone. I dread to think how many people have tried to capitalise on that."
"You didn't ignore me, you loser. I moved away."
"Still. I didn't want to take the piss."
Autumn rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to further protest but Elijah thrust his copy of her book in front of her. It was tattered and dog eared, it looked like it had been chucked about. She raised her eyebrows at it.
"Do you not know how to look after a book?" She asked.
"I like the well-read look."
"Well-read?" Autumn scoffed. "Elijah, this thing looks like it's been thrown at the bottom of a bag and forgotten about."
"So, I've taken it a few places with me." Elijah said, with a shrug.
Autumn let out a little giggle and opened the front cover.
"Who shall I make it out to?" She asked with a smile.
"Your name will do." He answered. "It will sell a lot easier on eBay if it doesn't have a name attached to it."
"I hate to break it to you, but no one is going to buy this book on eBay."
"What are you talking about? It's fine."
Autumn just shook her head and proceeded to sign her name inside the cover.
"Next time you get the urge to see me, just call me okay?" She said. "I'm officially giving you permission."
"Sure thing." Elijah said with a laugh. He saluted to Autumn. "See you around, Blake."
"Later, loser."
And he was gone. She watched him leave with a sigh, wishing that she'd somehow said more, done more. That was too fleeting.
"Oh my days, Autumn Blake, I can't believe I'm finally meeting you!" Autumn forced away her gaze from Elijah's exit and smiled her warmest smile at her next fan.
She'd signed several more books before Leah came and sat next to her and addressed the person arriving at the table.
"My apologies, I just need a moment with Autumn." She said with her best smile. "Autumn, I just have a few urgent things to go over with you.
She then proceeded to thrust her iPad in front of Autumn. On it she had written: "Who was that beautiful man? How do you know him? Is he single? And if so, why are you not hitting that?"
Autumn suppressed the urge to laugh and nodded professionally, smiling apologetically at the woman standing in front of her.
"I see," she said to Leah. "Yes well that would have to be filed away in the early years of the character's life. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to answer everything they need here. She is a complex character."
"Don't I know it." Leah said with a roll of her eyes. "Can you at least respond to this one?"
She underlined the "Is he single?" question with her finger.
"I don't have an answer for that at this point."
"Do you know when you might have an answer?"
"I have no timeline for that, no."
"Would you like me to look into it?"
"No need." Autumn said, giving her a warning look. This woman was hellbent on fixing Autumn up with anyone and everyone.
"Okay, so..." Leah started and began to type on the iPad again. The question was simple: "Are you going to see him again?"
"I would definitely be interested in that, yes."
Leah looked as if Autumn had just agreed to give her the entire earnings from all her books combined. She reeled it in before anyone noticed the excitement on her face and mimicked Autumn's earlier professional nod.
"Well that's all I needed to know," she said. "Except, I just got an order through for you that needed your approval."
She tapped on a bookmark and up popped a beautiful white wedding dress.
"Shall I go ahead and order this?" She asked, unable to control her wink that accompanied it.
"I think that may be a little too hasty." Autumn said, rolling her eyes.
"Sure thing." Leah said and addressed the woman in front of them again. "Sorry about that, she's all yours."
Anywho, what I'm about to post is not in any way me giving up on the Utopia series as I have already written about five chapters of book two. But, as my brain is never happy with just over-achieving, but rather multi-tasking whilst I over achieve, it has been nagging me to at least write the prologue to this new dream inspired book.
On top of this, I am working full time, studying for my NVQ in business administration AND trying to organise a fund raiser for my trip to America... Yet somehow I still feel like I'm being lazy as well... I'm not too sure how this works, maybe I need to take something new on...
But anyway, I'm not sure when I'm going to write anymore about this book, I just needed to get the prologue down, otherwise my brain was ready to explode on me and that would have taken ages for The-Family I live with to clean.
I don't want to say much more about this book as of yet, except to say its more real life this time round rather than science fictiony.
Without further ado; I give you the prologue to my book "Wild Horses." Let me know what you think.
Prologue
Autumn peered through the small crack in the window blind. People filed in, one after the other, all carrying the same item. Her item. There were hundreds of people out there, she knew that the excited line of people went back for at least a mile. And they were all here to see her.
That was enough to set her over the edge, she shut the blind and immediately placed her head between her knees. Taking deep breaths, she tried desperately to stop the world from spinning around her.
"Sit down." Came Leah's familiar voice.
Autumn did as she was told and found a glass of Pepsi Max and a bar of Galaxy thrust in front of her.
"Take these and go to your comfort place." Leah said.
Autumn nodded and took both items readily. She crossed her legs on the chair, closed her eyes and took a sip and a bite. She refrained from the therapeutic ideation of a beach, it was too easy for her thoughts to stray, instead she picked her flat. She would give anything to be in her flat right now, away from the growing noise outside, somewhere she could just shut the door, crawl under her duvet and shut herself off from the world. She mentally shut the door to her flat and dragged the duvet to her beautiful sofa. There she lay watching reruns of That 70s Show and mouthing the words along with the characters.
She felt some of the stress ebb away. Her thoughts quietened and she allowed herself another portion of chocolate.
"Which episode of That 70s Show are you watching? Leah asked.
"Jackie and Hyde have just got together. No one else knows yet."
"Nice. Here you go."
Autumn opened her eyes to see an iPad in front of her. Season 4, Episode 1 all ready and waiting to be watched.
"You've got time." Leah said. "Watch it."
Autumn smiled at her PA. "What would I do without you?"
"Well, you'd still have your books, but I'm pretty certain you'd be a hermit by now."
Autumn accepted this to be pretty accurate and hit play on the tablet. The episode began and Leah backed away, leaving Autumn to it. Autumn settled into her chair and took another bite of chocolate. She was left undisturbed for the 20 minute episode.
As soon as she was finished and the end credits began to roll, Leah knocked on the door and popped her head into the room.
"It's time." She said.
Autumn nodded, all words escaping her. She slowly stood and walked on shaky legs out of the room and towards the shop floor.
"I think I'm going to throw up." Autumn said.
"You haven't thrown up for years." Leah answered. "Just 30 more seconds and you'll be there."
Autumn felt the waves of anxiety start to spin the room once more. "I don't think I'm going to make it."
Leah wrapped her arm around Autumn's waist, pushing her gently forward.
"Just one step after the other." She said. "Almost there."
As they reached the entrance to the floor, Autumn closed her eyes and held her breath. Stilling herself until she heard the words from the announcer outside.
"Ladies and Gents, the woman who never fails to make you laugh and cry simultaneously; I give you Autumn Blake!"
Leah pushed Autumn through the door at the sound of the people's cheers and Autumn opened her eyes, saw the crowd all looking at her expectantly and the switch was flipped. She smiled warmly at the growing cheers and waved at the people all screaming her name. Someone threw a pair of boxers at her and she caught them, laughing and holding them out for the audience to see.
"Alas, I don't think they're quite my size." She called out.
The crowd responded with laughter and cheers and a male voice called out.
"I made sure not to wash them after I wore them!"
Autumn laughed loudly and made sure to have as little contact as possible with the apparently dirty boxers, holding them between her forefinger and thumb.
"Wow. And I had hoped my fetish for dirty underwear would have been one of those secrets I'd have taken with me to the grave. Damn. How did you know?"
More laughter. Autumn laughed with them and glanced back at Leah who was ready with a ruler. Autumn placed them on the ruler and Leah left the room, the boxers held as far away from her as possible.
"Okay, well now that that's been taken care of." Autumn said. "Who would like me to sign some books?"
The roar that followed this question was deafening and Autumn rolled her eyes, motioning for the crowd to settle down as she made her way to the table. She reached for her book and opened it at the bookmarked page.
"I've been told that apparently people want me to read from it first." Autumn said. More cheers. "Lazy buggers." She said, once they had quietened down. "You could just read it yourselves, you know."
Laughter and applause. She smiled her winning smile and began the chapter. The room fell silent as she continued to read, her captive audience hanging on her every word. She shut them out and lost herself in her main protagonist. She loved this character above all characters she had written. She was balsy, sharp and everything that Autumn wished she could be. She was so lost in the book, she jumped when laughter erupted in response to her words. She looked up at the sea of faces.
"Sorry," she said. "I forgot you were all here. You gave me the shock of my life."
People cheered and she returned to her book, finishing the excerpt to a thunderous applause.
"I love you, Autumn!" Came a scream from the audience.
"Oh, so you're the one!" Autumn said back. "Nice to meet you. Okay, any questions?"
The rest of the hour sped by in a tirade of questions and compliments. Autumn accepted them all and answered excitedly. She loved this part of her job; talking to people about a world that, before she had out pen to paper, had never existed in their minds. She listened as people told her about the characters they identified with and the different characters they wished were real and married to. She soaked in it, knowing that this was the reason she continued to write; to be able to have moments like this. During that moment, she loved every person in that room, they were her people, each one an individual confirmation of why she gets out of bed each morning. In her dark days of self doubt and loathing, it was moments like this she drew on to give her hope. This large, ominous crowd who she was simultaneously in love with and terrified of.
Once the questions were drawn to a close, Autumn made a large gesture of stretching her fingers and grinned.
"Repetitive Strain Injury, here I come." She said, loudly. "Okay, who's first?"
People rushed forward and Autumn's cheeks began to burn from all the smiling she did. After a couple of hours of this, the smile began to fade a little, fatigue beginning to set in as well as some of the same panic she had experienced before. The crowd just didnt seem to ebb away. Once one load of people were filed out, another rush came in, demanding as much excitement and enthusiasm from her as their predecessors.
Leah was at her side then, once more showing how completely attuned she was to Autumn's feelings. She whispered in her ear.
"Break?" She asked.
Autumn looked at her with so much gratification that Leah instantly started laughing.
"You've worn her out!" She addressed the crowd. "Half an hour break and she'll be back."
There were groans amongst the crowd but at least no one threw anything nasty at her. Not that Autumn could think of anything worse than the used underwear from the morning.
Her break seemed to end all too quickly, she looked at her empty plate forlornly as the end credits from That 70s Show once more played on her iPad. The prospect of going back out there, again began to terrify Autumn.
"Just three more hours." Leah said. "You know you'll be fine when you get out there."
Autumn sighed but didn't answer. Instead she stood before she could convince herself otherwise and made her way back to the throng of people. Leah was right, of course. Once she was out there, food now in her belly and another episode of the only series that could relax her in her mind, she was back to operating at almost 100%. She joked with her readers and had her picture taken on their phones.
She was in full flow when he arrived at her table. Him, that beautiful, beautiful man who's features Autumn had always lusted over had matured and become even more prominent than the last time she had seen him. She heard him before she saw him though, her gaze was down as she finished signing the book of the person in front of him.
"You are a sight for sore eyes." He said.
The voice was so familiar, even though it too seemed to have matured. Her gaze shot up immediately and looked him square in his breath takingly stunning ice blue eyes.
"Elijah?" She said, in disbelief.
"Hey Autumn." He said.
A flood of memories rushed into Autumn's mind as she heard him say her name. Memories of melodramatic teenage feelings. He was everything she had ever wanted for most of her adolescent age yet she hadn't thought of him for so long. How had that happened? Who could forget that face?
"What are you doing here?" She asked.
Elijah laughed. "I was under the impression my favourite author was signing today. Turns out I was wrong but I figured I might as well get you to sign instead."
"Ah, the famous Elijah wit, it's been a while since I've heard that." Autumn replied, sliding back into their age old banter.
"Not as famous as yours, of course." He said. "Last I checked, BBC and Channel 4 didn't care enough to air what I have to say."
"Well, I'll make sure to send out a memo. Obviously that's a tragedy."
Elijah grinned once more. "I knew I could rely on you."
"Why the hell are you queuing up? All you had to do was get in touch with me, it would have saved you the trouble."
Elijah scrunched his face up at that. "Oh please woman," he said. "I carelessly ignore you for four years and then get in touch with you the moment you're rich and famous. You would have blocked me from your phone. I dread to think how many people have tried to capitalise on that."
"You didn't ignore me, you loser. I moved away."
"Still. I didn't want to take the piss."
Autumn rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to further protest but Elijah thrust his copy of her book in front of her. It was tattered and dog eared, it looked like it had been chucked about. She raised her eyebrows at it.
"Do you not know how to look after a book?" She asked.
"I like the well-read look."
"Well-read?" Autumn scoffed. "Elijah, this thing looks like it's been thrown at the bottom of a bag and forgotten about."
"So, I've taken it a few places with me." Elijah said, with a shrug.
Autumn let out a little giggle and opened the front cover.
"Who shall I make it out to?" She asked with a smile.
"Your name will do." He answered. "It will sell a lot easier on eBay if it doesn't have a name attached to it."
"I hate to break it to you, but no one is going to buy this book on eBay."
"What are you talking about? It's fine."
Autumn just shook her head and proceeded to sign her name inside the cover.
"Next time you get the urge to see me, just call me okay?" She said. "I'm officially giving you permission."
"Sure thing." Elijah said with a laugh. He saluted to Autumn. "See you around, Blake."
"Later, loser."
And he was gone. She watched him leave with a sigh, wishing that she'd somehow said more, done more. That was too fleeting.
"Oh my days, Autumn Blake, I can't believe I'm finally meeting you!" Autumn forced away her gaze from Elijah's exit and smiled her warmest smile at her next fan.
She'd signed several more books before Leah came and sat next to her and addressed the person arriving at the table.
"My apologies, I just need a moment with Autumn." She said with her best smile. "Autumn, I just have a few urgent things to go over with you.
She then proceeded to thrust her iPad in front of Autumn. On it she had written: "Who was that beautiful man? How do you know him? Is he single? And if so, why are you not hitting that?"
Autumn suppressed the urge to laugh and nodded professionally, smiling apologetically at the woman standing in front of her.
"I see," she said to Leah. "Yes well that would have to be filed away in the early years of the character's life. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to answer everything they need here. She is a complex character."
"Don't I know it." Leah said with a roll of her eyes. "Can you at least respond to this one?"
She underlined the "Is he single?" question with her finger.
"I don't have an answer for that at this point."
"Do you know when you might have an answer?"
"I have no timeline for that, no."
"Would you like me to look into it?"
"No need." Autumn said, giving her a warning look. This woman was hellbent on fixing Autumn up with anyone and everyone.
"Okay, so..." Leah started and began to type on the iPad again. The question was simple: "Are you going to see him again?"
"I would definitely be interested in that, yes."
Leah looked as if Autumn had just agreed to give her the entire earnings from all her books combined. She reeled it in before anyone noticed the excitement on her face and mimicked Autumn's earlier professional nod.
"Well that's all I needed to know," she said. "Except, I just got an order through for you that needed your approval."
She tapped on a bookmark and up popped a beautiful white wedding dress.
"Shall I go ahead and order this?" She asked, unable to control her wink that accompanied it.
"I think that may be a little too hasty." Autumn said, rolling her eyes.
"Sure thing." Leah said and addressed the woman in front of them again. "Sorry about that, she's all yours."
Sunday, 17 February 2013
I'm pretty sure this wasn't meant to happen...
Let me tell you about the weirdest encounter I have ever had with a doctor in my life. I'm talking... if I could be arsed, I'd probably be mega pissed about this and want to complain, but the concept of having to get myself worked up over it and then use energy to show how upset I am and then having to see it through when people actually did something about it and asked me to take it further and see if it can be resolved... ah, the whole thing makes me knackered just thinking about it.
So instead, I've used my usual approach which is:
1. Gaze in disbelief whilst it is happening.
2. Go home and tell people there whilst still holding my gaze of disbelief.
3. Think about it for a while whilst gazing in disbelief at random strangers.
4. Go onto my little blog and decide to share my disbelief with you lovely people.
As you may have guessed, I have reached stage 4 of my usual approach and would now like to share with you all what happened.
So yesterday morning, I went to see my new GP as I have just moved house and so had to get a new one. I'd not met him before, but I was at the end of my tether in regards to one symptom that I have been having for about 9 years now... As I've mentioned before, I suffer from nightmares. These used to happen about 2-3 times a week, however my mind decided recently that it was bored with that routine and upped the anti by moving them up to EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
This has been going on for about four months now, and if that wasn't knackering enough, my brain still wasn't satisfied and so decided to make them so bad that I have to wake up about once an hour smacking myself or yelling out words like "I won't eat that orange monster" (true story).
Needless to say, I have not been too impressed. I've been knackered as I don't feel like I'm sleeping and this has now led to me getting sick (once again, I know *rolls eyes*) and last week I had to take half the week off work because of this.
So I went to the GP on Saturday morning, all pent up and annoyed and ready to complain until something was done about it... and this is what happened.
My name appeared on the screen and I went to his office, all ready to complain. He sat me down with barely a nod my way and then proceeded to read aloud a very long and very detailed letter my previous doctor had written about me. He was incredibly slow about this and chewed over the words, so I sat there and just stared into space until he was done.
Once he had eventually finished, this was the conversation that followed.
GP: So, what can I do for you?
Me: My nightmares are doing my head in, I'm not sleeping and I'm getting ill.
GP: Okay, well that happens sometimes. Have you had a blood test?
Me: No.
GP: Well, let's do that.
Me: Okay.
GP: Have you also considered... (his phone goes off, indicating he has had a text message) Oh, excuse me, my son just received his Phd yesterday, this will probably be from him. (Proceeds to read the message) Oh no, this isn't from him... what is this? ... Oh, I can't believe this... these people should be lined up and shot.
Me: Okay, well I was wondering if you might be able to help with my sleeping, because it's been really effecting me at work and I'm tired all the time...
GP: Just look at this text. (Hands me the phone) It's one of those texts asking me if I need help with debt, how do they get my number? I keep on sending those texts back saying STOP but they keep on sending me message. It's an invasion of privacy, is what it is.
Me: (Hands back the phone) Yeah, they can be really annoying... anyway, I was wondering if I could...
GP: I'm going to show them... (starts typing in the slowest fashion I have ever seen into his phone. After a few minutes of him typing and me sitting there, tapping my fingers on the desk and checking my watch, he eventually shows me his phone again) There, that will show them, won't it?
He had written "Stop, stop stop stop, rubbish."
Me: I'm sure it will (he was still staring at his phone) Anyway... I was wondering if you might be able to help with the whole 'not sleeping' thing?
GP: Oh yes, well, let's increase your medication.
Me: I was under the impression that by increasing the medication, it would be less of a sedative.
GP: Really? You heard that? Well, let's ask Dr Google.
Loads up the internet and types the question into google... I kid you not.
GP: Oh... so it does... wow, well I've learnt something new today.
...
Now, I know that sometimes in my transcripts, I have been known to exaggerate here and there for dramatic/comic effect... however this happened exactly as I've written it. There was no need for any exaggeration... this man actually did every single one of the things I've written.
Needless to say, I went away a little worried for my future health. There was actually more than this that he had said but I feel this pretty much sums up the man that is now in charge of my health... If I die in the future of suspect causes, feel free to use this post as evidence...
In terms of future conversations I will endeavour to type on here... I had the most amazing conversation with a man from the American IRS on Friday that might have been my most favourite thing ever. I'm not kidding, I laughed for such a long time whilst simultaneously wanting to jump down the phone and instantly marry the man because he was so amazing. It has also led me to pretty much start dancing on the spot at the concept of living in America for 6 months... because obviously now that I've spoken to one man, all the other people in America will be just as awesome, because that's how it works...
I will really try to upload this conversation at some point on this blog, and I do apologise for the lack of general posts on this section but I think I have a pretty valid excuse this time... and no, it has zero to do with games on my phone! (although I have just discovered Temple Run 2).
I have now written and FINISHED a book!! It's called Utopia, it's about the end of the world and it is available on my sister blog Creative Writing from a Plum. This can be found in the link or in the bar on the right hand side of this blog -> -> This way -> ->
For those of you who don't fancy scrolling through endless amounts of posts to read it and also feel like being really nice people in helping me raise money to go to America this year, I am also making the book available to buy. First off, it will be available via Kindle, which I anticipate to be ready sometime next week and will let you know exactly when! Then hopefully, in a couple of months, it will be available in book form. This will take a little longer than I thought because the company I'm using is an American one and I need to sort out all the tax aspects of that being that I'm not American and so need all sorts of forms etc... (hence the call to the IRS).
But if you are interested or just want to help a girl out by buying her book and then never reading it (I really don't mind) then please, please buy a copy of my book so that I can afford to go to America... also, I'm a mega geek about my book and the characters in it and I love to talk about it and hear that others love them too, so if you do read it, then please let me know what you think... my official email address is:
aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhplum@live.co.uk (that's 5 a's, 5 r's, 4g's and 5h's)
I will keep you posted on the information on this as I get it... I'm in major edit mode for the book at the moment but it's almost finished!! Much love to you all, and I have missed you all deeply.
Peace out my lovelies.
So instead, I've used my usual approach which is:
1. Gaze in disbelief whilst it is happening.
2. Go home and tell people there whilst still holding my gaze of disbelief.
3. Think about it for a while whilst gazing in disbelief at random strangers.
4. Go onto my little blog and decide to share my disbelief with you lovely people.
As you may have guessed, I have reached stage 4 of my usual approach and would now like to share with you all what happened.
So yesterday morning, I went to see my new GP as I have just moved house and so had to get a new one. I'd not met him before, but I was at the end of my tether in regards to one symptom that I have been having for about 9 years now... As I've mentioned before, I suffer from nightmares. These used to happen about 2-3 times a week, however my mind decided recently that it was bored with that routine and upped the anti by moving them up to EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
This has been going on for about four months now, and if that wasn't knackering enough, my brain still wasn't satisfied and so decided to make them so bad that I have to wake up about once an hour smacking myself or yelling out words like "I won't eat that orange monster" (true story).
Needless to say, I have not been too impressed. I've been knackered as I don't feel like I'm sleeping and this has now led to me getting sick (once again, I know *rolls eyes*) and last week I had to take half the week off work because of this.
So I went to the GP on Saturday morning, all pent up and annoyed and ready to complain until something was done about it... and this is what happened.
My name appeared on the screen and I went to his office, all ready to complain. He sat me down with barely a nod my way and then proceeded to read aloud a very long and very detailed letter my previous doctor had written about me. He was incredibly slow about this and chewed over the words, so I sat there and just stared into space until he was done.
Once he had eventually finished, this was the conversation that followed.
GP: So, what can I do for you?
Me: My nightmares are doing my head in, I'm not sleeping and I'm getting ill.
GP: Okay, well that happens sometimes. Have you had a blood test?
Me: No.
GP: Well, let's do that.
Me: Okay.
GP: Have you also considered... (his phone goes off, indicating he has had a text message) Oh, excuse me, my son just received his Phd yesterday, this will probably be from him. (Proceeds to read the message) Oh no, this isn't from him... what is this? ... Oh, I can't believe this... these people should be lined up and shot.
Me: Okay, well I was wondering if you might be able to help with my sleeping, because it's been really effecting me at work and I'm tired all the time...
GP: Just look at this text. (Hands me the phone) It's one of those texts asking me if I need help with debt, how do they get my number? I keep on sending those texts back saying STOP but they keep on sending me message. It's an invasion of privacy, is what it is.
Me: (Hands back the phone) Yeah, they can be really annoying... anyway, I was wondering if I could...
GP: I'm going to show them... (starts typing in the slowest fashion I have ever seen into his phone. After a few minutes of him typing and me sitting there, tapping my fingers on the desk and checking my watch, he eventually shows me his phone again) There, that will show them, won't it?
He had written "Stop, stop stop stop, rubbish."
Me: I'm sure it will (he was still staring at his phone) Anyway... I was wondering if you might be able to help with the whole 'not sleeping' thing?
GP: Oh yes, well, let's increase your medication.
Me: I was under the impression that by increasing the medication, it would be less of a sedative.
GP: Really? You heard that? Well, let's ask Dr Google.
Loads up the internet and types the question into google... I kid you not.
GP: Oh... so it does... wow, well I've learnt something new today.
...
Now, I know that sometimes in my transcripts, I have been known to exaggerate here and there for dramatic/comic effect... however this happened exactly as I've written it. There was no need for any exaggeration... this man actually did every single one of the things I've written.
Needless to say, I went away a little worried for my future health. There was actually more than this that he had said but I feel this pretty much sums up the man that is now in charge of my health... If I die in the future of suspect causes, feel free to use this post as evidence...
In terms of future conversations I will endeavour to type on here... I had the most amazing conversation with a man from the American IRS on Friday that might have been my most favourite thing ever. I'm not kidding, I laughed for such a long time whilst simultaneously wanting to jump down the phone and instantly marry the man because he was so amazing. It has also led me to pretty much start dancing on the spot at the concept of living in America for 6 months... because obviously now that I've spoken to one man, all the other people in America will be just as awesome, because that's how it works...
I will really try to upload this conversation at some point on this blog, and I do apologise for the lack of general posts on this section but I think I have a pretty valid excuse this time... and no, it has zero to do with games on my phone! (although I have just discovered Temple Run 2).
I have now written and FINISHED a book!! It's called Utopia, it's about the end of the world and it is available on my sister blog Creative Writing from a Plum. This can be found in the link or in the bar on the right hand side of this blog -> -> This way -> ->
For those of you who don't fancy scrolling through endless amounts of posts to read it and also feel like being really nice people in helping me raise money to go to America this year, I am also making the book available to buy. First off, it will be available via Kindle, which I anticipate to be ready sometime next week and will let you know exactly when! Then hopefully, in a couple of months, it will be available in book form. This will take a little longer than I thought because the company I'm using is an American one and I need to sort out all the tax aspects of that being that I'm not American and so need all sorts of forms etc... (hence the call to the IRS).
But if you are interested or just want to help a girl out by buying her book and then never reading it (I really don't mind) then please, please buy a copy of my book so that I can afford to go to America... also, I'm a mega geek about my book and the characters in it and I love to talk about it and hear that others love them too, so if you do read it, then please let me know what you think... my official email address is:
aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhplum@live.co.uk (that's 5 a's, 5 r's, 4g's and 5h's)
I will keep you posted on the information on this as I get it... I'm in major edit mode for the book at the moment but it's almost finished!! Much love to you all, and I have missed you all deeply.
Peace out my lovelies.
Friday, 8 February 2013
Friends are awesome.
There are some people in your life that no matter how much time you spend apart from them, when you meet up together, it's just like it always is. There is no awkwardness, no drifting apart, just the same awesome jokes and completely-guaranteed laughs as there always has been.
I have learnt that when I have been lucky enough to meet such a group of friends, it is so important to spend at least one night every other month with these people. Unfortunately I am unable to spend more than that with them as I no longer live anywhere near them, but I do make the effort because when I do... Man, the good times I have with them are so special.
Tonight I am spending such a night with them. These people include the lovely Jo-Jo who regularly sends me little "I saw this and thought of you" amazing tid bits in the mail every now again, these things have included:
1. A picture of Rupert Grint in a 'got milk?' poster.
2. A 2012 diary full of Edward Monkton goodies in March of last year.
3. The famous birthday card that led me to disclose my "eating friends" cannabalism secret to everyone.
She just simply rocks. And then you have I-Love-Him-So-Much-It-Hurts-Rich, whose name pretty much sums him up completely. Then there's of course the famous and regularly talked about One-And-Only-Daniela whom I had met at the same time as all of these lovely people.
There are so many others that I will be seeing tonight that I equally love but couldn't do it justice in just one small post.
I have my theories as to why it is that no amount of time could change the closeness of our friendship. The main one being that they simply are just fun and completely incapable of any kind of judgement ever. We are all kind of perfectly imperfect if you get what I mean. And we're all so open about it, knowing that this is such a safe forum to talk about it.
The reasons for this? This group of friends have all shared and been through a hell of a lot; illness, death, pain and grief that I can't even begin to think about. We had to share a very dark moment together and because of that, we will never be able to take for granted the concept of laughter and joy.
I think when you share such a moment it forms a mutual bond and understanding of... "You know what? Sometime's life just sucks, so let's enjoy the hell out of it whilst we can."
That may seem like some kind of depressing concept to hold but it isn't, it's so freeing. Suddenly everything is awesome and time is such a precious thing that needs to be enjoyed and lived and cherished.
So guys, there's a chance that you will receive some highly interesting tweets from me tonight. As such, I recommend to you follow/Unfollow me accordingly and I am going to go now and have an awesome night with people I quite simply love.
Peace out my lovelies.
I have learnt that when I have been lucky enough to meet such a group of friends, it is so important to spend at least one night every other month with these people. Unfortunately I am unable to spend more than that with them as I no longer live anywhere near them, but I do make the effort because when I do... Man, the good times I have with them are so special.
Tonight I am spending such a night with them. These people include the lovely Jo-Jo who regularly sends me little "I saw this and thought of you" amazing tid bits in the mail every now again, these things have included:
1. A picture of Rupert Grint in a 'got milk?' poster.
2. A 2012 diary full of Edward Monkton goodies in March of last year.
3. The famous birthday card that led me to disclose my "eating friends" cannabalism secret to everyone.
She just simply rocks. And then you have I-Love-Him-So-Much-It-Hurts-Rich, whose name pretty much sums him up completely. Then there's of course the famous and regularly talked about One-And-Only-Daniela whom I had met at the same time as all of these lovely people.
There are so many others that I will be seeing tonight that I equally love but couldn't do it justice in just one small post.
I have my theories as to why it is that no amount of time could change the closeness of our friendship. The main one being that they simply are just fun and completely incapable of any kind of judgement ever. We are all kind of perfectly imperfect if you get what I mean. And we're all so open about it, knowing that this is such a safe forum to talk about it.
The reasons for this? This group of friends have all shared and been through a hell of a lot; illness, death, pain and grief that I can't even begin to think about. We had to share a very dark moment together and because of that, we will never be able to take for granted the concept of laughter and joy.
I think when you share such a moment it forms a mutual bond and understanding of... "You know what? Sometime's life just sucks, so let's enjoy the hell out of it whilst we can."
That may seem like some kind of depressing concept to hold but it isn't, it's so freeing. Suddenly everything is awesome and time is such a precious thing that needs to be enjoyed and lived and cherished.
So guys, there's a chance that you will receive some highly interesting tweets from me tonight. As such, I recommend to you follow/Unfollow me accordingly and I am going to go now and have an awesome night with people I quite simply love.
Peace out my lovelies.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
I've been thinking...
I've been thinking today. About us as a human race. About what makes us tick and move and interact and be.
We're essentially a mesh of skin and bones and blood and organs and all the little things in between. A scientifically proven complexity of different functions all working together to create this one thing... Humanity.
But we're also more than that. In amongst all the physical workings and basic needs that one human needs to exist, there's this other element. This even more complex and completely unfathomable notion of emotion. We feel and we love and we need and adore and hate and have indifference to all manners of things that are external to us but which contributes to what makes us, us. Having this extra layer of functionality or dysfunctionality, whichever way you want to look at it, we move on from not just existing but living.
And living involves so much more than we will ever even begin to understand. It causes us to live outside of ourselves and reach out to those around us, drawing in the personalities that we are attracted to for friendships and relationships, it allows us to bond and find meaning in others' opinions and beliefs. It allows us to form our own personalities out of all the things that have influenced us throughout our lives.
We can have one seemingly innocent conversation with a stranger and form whole relationships out of it. We learn to trust and love and, as we grow older, we learn what it is to be hurt and let down by those bonds of love. We cry and fall down and feel pain and suffering. We question why and try to form reason out of the hurt we feel.
We learn to forgive and do what we can to forget and sometimes we can do just that, forget and dust ourselves off and not think of it again except in a memory that later we can roll our eyes at and wonder why we had let such a thing upset us in the first place.
But sometimes it's harder. Sometimes the hurt can harden and cause us to question our own selves and the way we come across. Sometimes we never quite are the same after that hurt. There are parts of us that are wary of allowing people into those areas of our hearts that have been damaged by others.
Most times however, we show our resilience, dust ourselves off and let people in once more. And the next time, perhaps it doesn't hurt as much. Our attachment instead just grows, we love deeper, maybe get married and grow old with that person.
But the act of allowing a person in to that extent can seem scary, something that feels like it comes at too high a price. We remember all the failed relationships in the past, remember the things about ourselves that caused people to walk away. What if this new relationship formed ends the same way? Suddenly that relationship we crave so much becomes the thing we're most scared of. The act of letting someone in, opens up the possibility of them rejecting us.
I've yet to know what it feels like to fall in love with someone. Hell, I've yet to know what it feels like to just share my time with someone. But I have loved. My heart is spread out between my friends and my family. I know what it's like to feel hurt when they hurt and laugh when they laugh.
I also know what it's like to lose those that I've loved. To suddenly be cut off from a friendship that I considered precious and so, so crucial to me. I look at those and wonder why it is that I continue to let people in and love all over again.
And then I remember why, I'm human. We all are. And for some inexplicable reason that means we keep on going. Which, when I really think about it, is pretty awesome.
Peace out my lovelies.
We're essentially a mesh of skin and bones and blood and organs and all the little things in between. A scientifically proven complexity of different functions all working together to create this one thing... Humanity.
But we're also more than that. In amongst all the physical workings and basic needs that one human needs to exist, there's this other element. This even more complex and completely unfathomable notion of emotion. We feel and we love and we need and adore and hate and have indifference to all manners of things that are external to us but which contributes to what makes us, us. Having this extra layer of functionality or dysfunctionality, whichever way you want to look at it, we move on from not just existing but living.
And living involves so much more than we will ever even begin to understand. It causes us to live outside of ourselves and reach out to those around us, drawing in the personalities that we are attracted to for friendships and relationships, it allows us to bond and find meaning in others' opinions and beliefs. It allows us to form our own personalities out of all the things that have influenced us throughout our lives.
We can have one seemingly innocent conversation with a stranger and form whole relationships out of it. We learn to trust and love and, as we grow older, we learn what it is to be hurt and let down by those bonds of love. We cry and fall down and feel pain and suffering. We question why and try to form reason out of the hurt we feel.
We learn to forgive and do what we can to forget and sometimes we can do just that, forget and dust ourselves off and not think of it again except in a memory that later we can roll our eyes at and wonder why we had let such a thing upset us in the first place.
But sometimes it's harder. Sometimes the hurt can harden and cause us to question our own selves and the way we come across. Sometimes we never quite are the same after that hurt. There are parts of us that are wary of allowing people into those areas of our hearts that have been damaged by others.
Most times however, we show our resilience, dust ourselves off and let people in once more. And the next time, perhaps it doesn't hurt as much. Our attachment instead just grows, we love deeper, maybe get married and grow old with that person.
But the act of allowing a person in to that extent can seem scary, something that feels like it comes at too high a price. We remember all the failed relationships in the past, remember the things about ourselves that caused people to walk away. What if this new relationship formed ends the same way? Suddenly that relationship we crave so much becomes the thing we're most scared of. The act of letting someone in, opens up the possibility of them rejecting us.
I've yet to know what it feels like to fall in love with someone. Hell, I've yet to know what it feels like to just share my time with someone. But I have loved. My heart is spread out between my friends and my family. I know what it's like to feel hurt when they hurt and laugh when they laugh.
I also know what it's like to lose those that I've loved. To suddenly be cut off from a friendship that I considered precious and so, so crucial to me. I look at those and wonder why it is that I continue to let people in and love all over again.
And then I remember why, I'm human. We all are. And for some inexplicable reason that means we keep on going. Which, when I really think about it, is pretty awesome.
Peace out my lovelies.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
I like today. Today can happen again tomorrow if it likes...
Today has started out and continued as it usually does.
I woke up ten minutes before I had to leave the house and ran around trying to find clothes that fit and deodorant that would last all day before sprinting out the door with a passing wave at Mr-Host as I went.
Once I was at work, I sat and I typed and I joked with Line-Manager-Monica. She bragged about going on holiday next week and I starting bragging about going away for 6 whole months. She then stopped bragging and said that if she had to listen to me brag about that for the next 5 months then she would have to put me under disciplinary proceedings. I, of course, laughed at this until I realised she seemed pretty silent and stern faced and my laughter began to take on a nervous twang before stopping and I started up typing again, muttering my apologies as I did. It was a pretty normal day.
I did have one really sucky moment today however when I quickly checked the clock, realised that I had in fact stayed overtime as per usual, shut everything down and grabbed my bag to leave. I said goodbye to Line-Manager-Monica when she looked at me quizzically.
"Um Lisa," she said. "What time is it?"
I nodded guiltily and held up my hands.
"I know, I stayed late again today. I'm sorry, I'll try and leave on time tomorrow."
Line-Manager-Monica looked at me expectantly, her eyebrows raised. Her eyes then drifted to the clock behind me, hinting for me to do the same. I followed her gaze and that beautiful elated and freeing feeling I usually feel when I know that my day is almost over, sank to the bottom of my stomach. I'd read the time wrong. It was a whole hour earlier than I had thought it was.
"Oh." I said, and turned back to look at Line-Manager-Monica, a deep pout firm on my face. "But I have my coat on and everything!"
She simply tilted her head and went back to her computer. "Looks like you're going to have to take it off again then, aren't you?"
Needless to say, I kept my pout for the remainder of that hour, although I did manage to get a lot done, so I gave myself a little pat on the back for that.
When I did eventually leave, the journey home was also the same as it had been the day before. I sat on trains and buses and listened to my Ben Folds playlist whilst congratulating myself on getting to that point with a new playlist where I was beginning to be able to sing along with the lyrics... the other people on said trains and buses didn't seem in the same congratulating mood however... I guess they had just had tough days, poor things.
Getting home however was when my day got lovely.
First off, I had a thought walking up to the McDonalds I walk past on my way to and from work each day. This thought was; "ooh, I'm hungry, if I got just a double cheeseburger and chicken snack wrap then that would be cheap enough to constitute the spending of money, right?" Now, usually when I have thoughts such as these, especially when there is a fast food restaurant within my vicinity, I pretty much am powerless to stop these thoughts from turning into actions. As such, the closer I reached the McDonalds entrance, the stronger I felt my resolve get. However, by some strike of what I can only assume is a modern day miracle, my feet magically kept on walking past the entrance door, directing me home and away from the fast food temple of doom.
I know a lot of you might be thinking that this doesn't really seem like a big thing, and it probably shouldn't be deemed as a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but unfortunately, for a person like me who has never quite understood the concept of will power in her entire life, this felt as I had just discovered a new element, named it after me and won the nobel prize... much like Daniela Davids (who's Daniela Davids? I hear you cry? Well find out here).
Anywho, I was very happy with myself by the time that I got home this evening which led to even more happiness as I entered my new little home, currently owned by a scrumptious family that I am staying with consisting of Mr-Host, Mrs-Host, The-Thirteen-Year-Old, The-Eleven-Year-Old and The-Five-Year-Old, or collectively known as The-Family.
I opened the door to a wave of laughter and joking about and found The-Family eating in the dining room. Mr-Host immediately offered me a cup of tea, Mrs-Host offered me food and before I knew it I was joining in with this family fun. I sat and watched as the kids joked about the proper way of pronouncing Haagen Dazs and helped The-Thirteen-Year-Old load the dishwasher.
I then sat with The-Five-Year-Old and read her stories, one of which being my favourite story when I was her age. Mrs-Host was doing a crossword puzzle and I attempted (and failed miserably) to help her answer any of the questions. When The-Five-Year-Old was sent to bed, she gave me the biggest hug that has ever been and ran off with Mrs-Host.
I then showered and realised something... I had missed this. I had missed the enjoyment of being part of a family. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family of my own, two amazing parents and two pretty awesome brothers, but we're all grown up now and living far from each other. This though, nights like this... wow. They are so much fun and allow you to feel so loved and warm and fuzzy inside.
I've loved the freedom of my own place. I've loved the way it has helped me grow, I've loved the independence it has given me and the confidence that I've gained in knowing what I want in life rather than what is expected of me... however, sometimes I think I've taken it too far. I've enjoyed being alone a little too much. I spend every evening alone in my house, I barely go out or socialise anymore... and yes it's got a lot to do with the fact that large groups of people make me want to shake uncontrollably and search for the nearest toilet, hoping and praying that The Bloggess isn't already hiding in there. But today I realised that not all social interaction is bad... actually I'm pretty sure that most social interaction isn't bad but you know what I mean.
Anywho, I'm content this evening... this evening I've realised that I get to spend the next five months not only living with The-Family but part of The-Family, and for that I am extremely grateful for them...
... sometimes, people are just awesome.
Peace out my lovelies
I woke up ten minutes before I had to leave the house and ran around trying to find clothes that fit and deodorant that would last all day before sprinting out the door with a passing wave at Mr-Host as I went.
Once I was at work, I sat and I typed and I joked with Line-Manager-Monica. She bragged about going on holiday next week and I starting bragging about going away for 6 whole months. She then stopped bragging and said that if she had to listen to me brag about that for the next 5 months then she would have to put me under disciplinary proceedings. I, of course, laughed at this until I realised she seemed pretty silent and stern faced and my laughter began to take on a nervous twang before stopping and I started up typing again, muttering my apologies as I did. It was a pretty normal day.
I did have one really sucky moment today however when I quickly checked the clock, realised that I had in fact stayed overtime as per usual, shut everything down and grabbed my bag to leave. I said goodbye to Line-Manager-Monica when she looked at me quizzically.
"Um Lisa," she said. "What time is it?"
I nodded guiltily and held up my hands.
"I know, I stayed late again today. I'm sorry, I'll try and leave on time tomorrow."
Line-Manager-Monica looked at me expectantly, her eyebrows raised. Her eyes then drifted to the clock behind me, hinting for me to do the same. I followed her gaze and that beautiful elated and freeing feeling I usually feel when I know that my day is almost over, sank to the bottom of my stomach. I'd read the time wrong. It was a whole hour earlier than I had thought it was.
"Oh." I said, and turned back to look at Line-Manager-Monica, a deep pout firm on my face. "But I have my coat on and everything!"
She simply tilted her head and went back to her computer. "Looks like you're going to have to take it off again then, aren't you?"
Needless to say, I kept my pout for the remainder of that hour, although I did manage to get a lot done, so I gave myself a little pat on the back for that.
When I did eventually leave, the journey home was also the same as it had been the day before. I sat on trains and buses and listened to my Ben Folds playlist whilst congratulating myself on getting to that point with a new playlist where I was beginning to be able to sing along with the lyrics... the other people on said trains and buses didn't seem in the same congratulating mood however... I guess they had just had tough days, poor things.
Getting home however was when my day got lovely.
First off, I had a thought walking up to the McDonalds I walk past on my way to and from work each day. This thought was; "ooh, I'm hungry, if I got just a double cheeseburger and chicken snack wrap then that would be cheap enough to constitute the spending of money, right?" Now, usually when I have thoughts such as these, especially when there is a fast food restaurant within my vicinity, I pretty much am powerless to stop these thoughts from turning into actions. As such, the closer I reached the McDonalds entrance, the stronger I felt my resolve get. However, by some strike of what I can only assume is a modern day miracle, my feet magically kept on walking past the entrance door, directing me home and away from the fast food temple of doom.
I know a lot of you might be thinking that this doesn't really seem like a big thing, and it probably shouldn't be deemed as a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but unfortunately, for a person like me who has never quite understood the concept of will power in her entire life, this felt as I had just discovered a new element, named it after me and won the nobel prize... much like Daniela Davids (who's Daniela Davids? I hear you cry? Well find out here).
Anywho, I was very happy with myself by the time that I got home this evening which led to even more happiness as I entered my new little home, currently owned by a scrumptious family that I am staying with consisting of Mr-Host, Mrs-Host, The-Thirteen-Year-Old, The-Eleven-Year-Old and The-Five-Year-Old, or collectively known as The-Family.
I opened the door to a wave of laughter and joking about and found The-Family eating in the dining room. Mr-Host immediately offered me a cup of tea, Mrs-Host offered me food and before I knew it I was joining in with this family fun. I sat and watched as the kids joked about the proper way of pronouncing Haagen Dazs and helped The-Thirteen-Year-Old load the dishwasher.
I then sat with The-Five-Year-Old and read her stories, one of which being my favourite story when I was her age. Mrs-Host was doing a crossword puzzle and I attempted (and failed miserably) to help her answer any of the questions. When The-Five-Year-Old was sent to bed, she gave me the biggest hug that has ever been and ran off with Mrs-Host.
I then showered and realised something... I had missed this. I had missed the enjoyment of being part of a family. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family of my own, two amazing parents and two pretty awesome brothers, but we're all grown up now and living far from each other. This though, nights like this... wow. They are so much fun and allow you to feel so loved and warm and fuzzy inside.
I've loved the freedom of my own place. I've loved the way it has helped me grow, I've loved the independence it has given me and the confidence that I've gained in knowing what I want in life rather than what is expected of me... however, sometimes I think I've taken it too far. I've enjoyed being alone a little too much. I spend every evening alone in my house, I barely go out or socialise anymore... and yes it's got a lot to do with the fact that large groups of people make me want to shake uncontrollably and search for the nearest toilet, hoping and praying that The Bloggess isn't already hiding in there. But today I realised that not all social interaction is bad... actually I'm pretty sure that most social interaction isn't bad but you know what I mean.
Anywho, I'm content this evening... this evening I've realised that I get to spend the next five months not only living with The-Family but part of The-Family, and for that I am extremely grateful for them...
... sometimes, people are just awesome.
Peace out my lovelies
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